Hello! I've been absent for far too long. I guess I got stuck in the holiday rush and have totally neglected my poor blog! Anyways, I'm back! And my ONE of my New Year's resolutions is to post much more frequently to this blog. (Did you know this is my secondary blog?) So you should be hearing from me much more often!

To pick up from where I left off, I wanted to make a confession. My daughter is 16 months old, has not nursed since she was 12 months old and yet I still find myself wearing a (GASP!) nursing bra occasionally. *BLUSH* Yes, I said it. I wear a nursing bra while not even nursing! Am I crazy? Yes! Honestly, I think it is very sad. Let me explain (not that I think the explanation will make it any more justified).

I wore all my old bras while I was pregnant. My one black bra got totally warped and the wires bent from all the extra "baggage" I was carry while housing my babe. While nursing I had four nursing bras - two white, a black (that I didn't wear until the end because it was too small), and a light green (my favorite!). Now that I am post-nursing I'm back in my old bras. It's sad, really. Not only are my breasts back to their original size (if not smaller) they are saggy! So when I need a black bra the old comboggled one no longer works so I opt to use the black nursing bra. It's clean. It fits. It supports my saggies.

So if you're still reading me and not judging too much, thank you! I have to tell you, it's not that we don't have the money to purchase some new bras. It's just that I'm horrible about being one of these women who has a hard time spending money on myself. I wear my shoes until the soles are falling off or the heal is showing the metal stub, I buy a new pair of (cheap) jeans every three to four year (at best), I use the same purse for years on end, and getting a pedicure is huge deal.

I know it's sad. My own 16 month old daughter has nicer things than I do. This is something I need to work on and have been working on. As I mentioned earlier I was given a wonderful opportunity for a promotion about 8 months ago and am trying to realize I work hard, make darn good money, and deserve to spoil myself every once in a while. Why is it that I have such a hard time doing so? I feel guilty and can't rationalize spending $150 on a pair of jeans. Don't get me wrong, I do have some nice things and I look presentable at work and sometimes even trendy, but most items are gifts given to me or handed down from my mom. So there's another New Year's resolution to tack onto the list... I will spoil myself occasionally throughout this coming year! Here's to 2010 my friends! CHEERS!

Side-tracked

I knew I wanted to try to nurse until my babe was at least a year old, and to be honest with you, I would have gone longer if she wanted to. Around 8 months she really started to lose interest in nursing during the day, especially if we were around other people. She was like trying to hold a wild cat down – she’d suck for a minute, jerk off to see who was passing, and then wriggle and squirm until I put her down. We’d repeat these steps a few times in hopes to give her somewhat of a feeding, but after a few weeks of this I decided she was ready to cut back.

So it was an easy transition to start weaning her to only morning and night feedings. I worked my way down from two times to one and one time to no pumping at work in a couple weeks… HALLELUJAH! At this point I started introducing formula since I was practically only pumping to keep my production up and not nearly enough to feed my babe. The mere 2-3 ounces I would accumulate at each pumping was used to mix with the formula until she was used to it.

On a side note, can I say how disgusting I think formula is?! I don’t know what it is, but the smell is just about enough to make me sick. I’m not a fan and SO glad we only had to deal with that stuff for a few months.

She transitioned well and we eventually worked down to only one nursing a day usually around bedtime at around 10 months. By the time she was eleven months old I think I held on to the evening feeding just because I wasn’t ready to let go. I just loved being the one to provide this perfect nutrition for my baby (and deep down I wanted to make it to at least her first birthday). I know, call me silly, but I really was going to miss breastfeeding (pumping aside, of course). So we made it! And almost exactly to the day of her first birthday we quit breastfeeding and went straight to cow’s milk. She loved it and didn’t skip a beat.

Now as I look back on the last twelve months – the 2 a.m. feedings, the skipped lunches just to go nurse my babe, the sore nips, the countless hours of pumping, the engorged breast holding out to feed my babe rather than pumping, the milk pads, the leaking, the lack of sleep, the cleaning of pumping equipment after each pumping session… the hours and hours of alone time cuddled up with my babe while she nursed in my arms knowing that I was providing her with the best and healthiest source of nutrients possible. Yep, I’d say it was all worth it!

So before I started writing this post I had a different intent and context in mind. It’s funny how your mind does that. I guess this topic has just been on my heart lately. Hmmm, do you sense someone is possibly thinking about baby #2?! ;) The real topic of discussion, you ask. I’ll save it for my next post! Have a fabulous Thursday my friends!

Some more on the joys of being a new mommy who works… Sore nipples anyone?!

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my babies. In my opinion, it is the healthiest option for baby (and mom). It amazes me that our bodies produce exactly the right milk for each individual baby. If your baby is premature, the milk your body produces is full of what is essential for your preemie baby. If your baby needs a little extra of something, your body will produce that specific concoction of milk. Truly amazing if you think about it, but of course it is because God designed our bodies that way! So there was no question in my mind if I would breastfeed or formula feed my babe once she was born. And it was just as perfect and amazing as I had hoped for… err, at least after we jumped the 6 week hurdle of unexplainable pain!

Can you say ouch!? I never knew my nipples would hurt the way they did. That every time my little one latched on I would curl my toes and every other part of my body as I felt like the skin was being sucked right off! The books all say if the latch is correct there should be no pain… um, I had multiple nurses look at the latch and everything looked just fine, my little one was getting sufficient amounts of milk and no matter what hold we tried the pain was still there. So my advice, don’t listen to the books and stick it out… it will get better! I have talked to every new nursing mom I know and haven’t heard a single one say it did not hurt like the dickens for the first few weeks! Just think about this, you take these soft perfect nipples and attach a sucker fish (times a thousand) multiple times a day and I think no matter how perfect the latch is the nipples are going to get sore (understatement) and cracked! But with that being said this only lasted for about six weeks, at the longest, and then it was perfect! I don’t mean to scare any soon-to-be mommies, but I want the truth to be told. It will hurt, but it’s worth every ounce of pain! And don't forget how quickly you'll loose that baby weight from nursing... At my two week check up I had lost 29 of the 37 lbs. I had gained during pregnancy! Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP?!

I think it wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t pumping on top of nursing. I had to build up my frozen milk supply for when I went back to work. So I was nursing non-stop and pumping non-stop, which was a lot for my newly sucked nipples to get used to. Speaking of pumping, I want to be the first to say (well probably not the first, but you get the point!) I really did NOT enjoy pumping and got downright sick of! I stuck it out for 9 LONG months and have it say it was the only downfall to breastfeeding while working. As I said, I loved and I mean LOVED breastfeeding! I just really hated pumping. It’s no fun to sit there for 15-20 minutes hooked up to a machine like a cow multiple times a day. It really started to get frustrating when I had to pump at work… talk about uninspiring! After spending every single break pumping and only getting, on a good day, 5 ounces knowing your little one will sip that up in no time when you could have been cuddling with her instead of holding two plastic receptacles is just heartbreaking!

Maybe if I was in a more comfortable setting, like on a couch in a nice peaceful and quiet room with soft waterfall sound playing in the background (instead of in a hard upright chair, in my boss’s messy office, where I could hear people walking up and down the hall chatting about their next Statistics class) would have helped! So when I have my next babe, I hope the experience of pumping won’t be too bad. Hopefully I can load my freezer up on milk before I head back to work so I don’t have to pump during every spare minute I get at work. And hopefully now that I have my own, nicely organized and decorated, office where I can play whatever kind of music or noises I would like I will feel a bit more at ease when it comes to pumping at work. Did you choose to pump at work? How did it go and were you successful at it? Will you do it again if the opportunity arises?

The Transition.

Reminiscing back to a year ago, I thought this would be the perfect post to start off my series of working mommy posts.

Only two months into mommyhood and my little pumpkin and I headed back to work. I started with just mornings first. We quickly settled into a routine which consisted of us arriving around 8:00 and little missy sound asleep in her car seat for the first hour or two. Then I would nurse her in my boss’s office…

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Please let me clarify with explaining the set up before you start judging me, ahem! At the time I worked in a the Department of Statistics at this university. I was the office manager and first point of contact when students, faculty, staff, and visitors came to the department. So my office was, well, the main office, which equals NO PRIVACY! Off to the right was a door that leads you into the Chair of the Department’s office (my boss’s office). Fortunately he had another office two floors down where he spent most of his time with students and preparing for classes he taught. He would only come up for about an hour a day to check in on the department and sign miscellaneous items. When we discussed the situation of me coming back to work he offered up his office for me to use for whatever, as he put it, “baby reason” I might need it for (aka: diaper changes, nursing, pumping, etc.). It had a locking door and I would always put a note on it saying I was in there just in case he came up and forgot. I think I’d die if I heard keys jingling in the door while I was hooked up to my double breast pump with both boobs getting the life sucked out of them, but that never happened so no worries! =)

Back to the story… So I came back to work just 8 weeks after having my little one. I thought I would take more time off, but the situation couldn’t have been any better. I was only working mornings and my boss was okay with me bringing my baby with me and he offered up his office for my “baby use”. My babe was a trooper. She slept most of the morning. I would sort through my work, nurse her, change her, put her in the front pack, do some more work, walk down the hall to visit faculty members when she was fussy, let her play in her bouncy chair, she’d sleep some more and then it was time to leave. The perfect situation, right? Well, the perfect situation would be: me at home with her full time, but that’s beside the point. We did this for about a month and then she began daycare (we like to call it school) three days a week. I took Tuesdays off and my mom watched her on Thursdays. It made the transition back into work much easier, but I must say it was weeks before I was able to drop her off at “school” without crying the entire way to work. Yes, I was a hot mess most days!

If I had to go back to work this was the best case scenario for me. I was able to slowly introduce myself and my baby to the idea of being away from one another. The childcare center she was at and still currently goes to is wonderful! That also helped with the transition. I am now working full time at a new job that I love which fell into my lap! It really was meant to be that I go back to work, but more on that later.

So tell me, what was your experience like going back to work? Did you have major MOMMY GUILT like I did? Do share! =)

Twinkie Please?

Today I almost ate a Twinkie... almost.

I already ate a jelly filled donut this morning mind you and know I'm going to kick myself for that tonight and maybe should skip dinner now and run a hundred miles (if I could run hundred miles that is), but I digress. So, there have been these Twinkies in the break room for two days now. Yesterday I resisted. I was strong. Having a conversation in my head something like this, "Hm, Twinkies. Wonder who brought those in? I haven't had a Twinkie in years... honestly, I can't remember the last time. Maybe I should try one. Just to see if they are half as good as I remember or don't remember them to be. *Slight pause* Nah, they're full of like a thousand calories... yeah I'm sure at least a thousand. I surely don't need that!" and I walked away.


But then there they were again this morning. Just sitting pawns on the break room table. Only three left. I decided to grab a donut instead (oh, because that has to be much healthier than a Twinkie, ya know. Plus I missed breakfast so it was totally justifiable, ahem.). GAH! I walked passed that break room multiple times today and there they were staring me down, but now sits only two. WALK AWAY! And that I did.

Finally around 3:30 I had to go down the hall to drop off some paperwork and for some reason convinced myself that this was my last chance... my last chance in probably another five years before I have the opportunity to try a Twinkie. I had made up my mind. There was no going back. Today would be the day I try a Twinkie and determine if it was indeed (or maybe not at all) worth it. And what do you know -- they were gone, GONE! It must have been a sign from God. I really didn't need a piddley Twinkie. Besides, it was probably gross anyways! Here's to self resistance (or lack thereof). I think today will mark the day that I start making a more conscience effort to watch what I eat.

Oh yeah, while I write this I'm nibbling away at a Ghirardelli dark chocolate square filled with raspberry filling, but whose keeping track, right? :)

25 Things I've Learned in 25 Years

As I always do around this time of year, I wanted to take some time to think about all the things I have experience and learned throughout my life.

So here it is , a list of twenty-five lessons I've learned thus far in life:

1. There’s nothing wrong with being best friends with your family. They will always be your biggest supporters and will stand behind you no matter what.

2. Salt is the cure to anything – tears, sweat, or the sea! And salt can even help heal a scraped knee. It may hurt like none other, but it sure does help it heal quickly. I’ll never forget the time Papa told me he was going to rub sugar in my scrape since I knew how bad salt hurt. He said the "sugar” wouldn’t hurt… sure enough, it was salt! OUCH! :)

3. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Each one is truly important and shapes us into who we are today. True friendships last a lifetime even if you go too long without talking last. The ones that you pick up right where you left off with (even if it’s been months or years – it’s those relationships that are the most important).

4. Protective brothers are blessings in disguise. If only a 15 year old knew this truth. Regardless of the fact that on her first date two of her three brothers follow her to the movies and sit right across the aisle from her and her date.

5. Treat people with respect, encouragement and an open heart. It's not always easy, but at least you'll know you made the effort.

6. Your mom really does know what she’s talking about. She has lived it and knows what is in your best interest… like it or not! And yes, that even means when it comes to boys. :)

7. You can’t sell lemonade and trail mix (or painted wooden crosses made by Trevor out of kindling pieces) on the corner of a private driveway like you can in town.

8. It's true what they say about finding the person you will spend the rest of your life with. You just...know. With every inch of your being. And even on the bad days, you still feel it at your core - and that's what matters most.

9. Planning a wedding is the most exciting, joyful and exhilarating moment and every girl should experience it!

10. Now that I have Isabelle I truly grasp the love that my parents have for me and it completely blows me away!

11. It's so incredibly important to surround yourself with people who have the ability to bring out the best in you. The ones who inspire you, encourage you, help keep your head on straight, and give you a shoulder to cry on. These are the ones that matter. Anyone who doesn't bring out the best in you, perhaps isn't the best for you.

12. The dishes and piles of laundry will be there tomorrow, but you’re baby will only be little for so long. So leave the mess and enjoy every moment as a mommy… even those 3 a.m. wake ups. Instead of dreading not getting enough sleep, cherish the alone time you get with your little one.

13. Leaches, bird mites, and hornets won’t kill you, but they sure can get you into a mess.

14. Writing your deepest darkest sixth grade secrets in notes to friends and leaving them in your jean pockets for your mom to read is not the smartest idea. No wonder moms know everything.

15. I’m not cut out for watching scary movies and never will be…I’m okay with that.

16. First kisses are absolutely amazing - but so is realizing you're with the one who will receive your last kisses, and all the rest that fill the in-between.

17. While making Christmas cookies, getting the “goofies” and giggling for hours is sweeter than all the different delicious cookies put together.

18. You will never feel unsafe when riding in a car with your dad as the driver, but will feel the need to remind your husband to drive carefully over and over no matter the distance you are driving.

19. Living within walking distance from your Papa and Grandma is the ideal situation.

20. Being hardworking, optimistic, kind, honest, helpful, and always willing to learn will get you further in your career more than anything else.

21. Your happiness is determined by your attitude and reaction to situations. If you choose to be happy you will be happy. It’s a lot less work than you think.

22. Watching your body go through the transformation while growing a baby inside of you and then giving birth is one of your only chances in life to assist God in a miracle and it is such an amazing process.

23. You can never take too many pictures or eat too much ice cream!

24. Walking down the aisle with your dad to your new husband is more memorable than you can ever imagine. Your fairy tale is finally coming true and it seems so surreal.

25. You never know when and where you'll meet the people who end up being the most important. So, be friendly. And smile a lot.

Who am I (at the moment)?

I am…

… two days away from turning 25! It is actually hard to believe really. In one sense, I feel like I’m still that 20 year old who runs wild with no worries or responsibilities to speak of besides making sure I get to class on time and on the other hand, I feel like I have done so much in the past few years that 25 doesn’t seem old enough. I’m excited for this birthday this year! Since turning 21 all the other birthdays just seemed to come and go. There was no real significance and I didn’t feel the need to truly celebrate. But this year I feel differently! I’ll be a quarter century old, half way through my twenties. When I look back on the last 25 years of my life I feel like I’ve been through a lot… nothing too dramatic, but I’ve lived life and I’ve lived it to the fullest with a few bumps along the way. I’m happy about that and can’t help to think what is to come in the next stages in my life.

… also thinking about starting a new blog (one separate from this one). I would like to write about some of the untold stories of new moms and most specifically working mommies. Some kind of brutally honest and humorous blog for mom’s to gather and read stories that might just make them feel a little more normal (if that even exists) for some of the thoughts, feelings, and experiences they might have. I think we get so caught up in being the perfect mom/wife/career woman that there is an unspoken rule about not talking about our true daily happening. So that is in the works… stay tuned! =)

… so in love with my life! My husband is my everything and I am thankful for every day we have together. The fact that we were able to create such a precious and beautiful gift from God, little miss Isabelle, it just makes me fall in love with him more and more every day. I always knew I wanted to be a mommy, but this is so much more than I could have ever dreamed of! I always thought I would only be content being a stay at home mom, but now here I am with a full time career that I love and I am perfectly content being a working mommy. Now don’t get me wrong, there are days that I would love nothing more than to stay home and have 10 babies, bake cookies and pies, have a sparkling clean house and dinner on the table when my hubby walks in the door every day, but who knows how I’d feel if I was really living that day in and day out. For now, I’m happy playing the working mom and wife role.

… currently reading a great book called Crazy Love by Frances Chan. It has really helped with my spiritual growth lately. It’s giving me a whole new perspective on what having a relationship with and true love for the Lord is all about. I might just have to do a separate post about the first two chapters so far. I’m loving it and it is part of a blog book club called Bloom that I am a part of. I’m also excited because I found a church that I am going to try out on Sunday. It’s been something on my heart for, I don’t know, way too long and I’m ready to find a place that I can meet some new people (hopefully some mommies my age) and build on my Christian walk. … going to finish this post now because it has turned out to be way too incredibly long and I apologize for that. If you’ve taken the time to read this entire post, thank you. Sometimes it’s a getaway for me to sit and write about my thoughts and feelings and I hope you don’t feel bored by reading what I am up to these days.

WHOO HOO! My "birthday weekend" officially starts in t-minus 19 minutes! YEEEHAW!!! Have a great weekend my friends!